Day 27

Elsbeth said something today that troubled me.

We were talking about old age and lives passed, and dying, when she said suddenly that she was not afraid of death. Its not that I have a morbid preoccupation with it, but its not something I particularly look forward to. First there is the process of dying (assuming I don't get run over by a bus), which is unpleasant enough as our life fizzles out and we fall part. But more than that there is the death part. No more Aaron. I cease to exist. If I were just a collection of lucky cells with no awareness of self that wouldn't be a problem, but by some further fluke, this bunch of cells became "I", and "I" does not want to be extinguished.

And if there is some sort of afterlife, and all this talk of God has some truth to it, then being extinguished might be the best of all possible worlds!

Can I be blamed for being unable to believe something that has so little tangibility? I'm not looking for proof of God, just some sense of reality like I know the wind is real because I feel it and I observe it fluttering flags.

Lots of people seem to have this sense. Elsbeth has it in excess, hovering around her like an aura, an aroma, a breath of fresh air, a raison d'etre.

I have nothing but memories, many failures, a few successes, and a countdown.